WOMAN ~ A Chemical Analysis

A little something that has always made me smile. I hope that you will enjoy it too.

ELEMENT:                  Woman

OCCURRENCE:         Copious quantities in all urban areas with trace elements in most others.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. Surface is often covered in powdery painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes for no reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in varying grades from virginal state to common ‘ore
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Has great affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without warning or reason
4. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when immersed in hot water
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental – especially in sports car
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns bright red when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen

HAZARDS

1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands
2. Possession of more than one considered illegal